Beauty From Ashes – a guest post from @mommie_Jen
Although some of the memories have faded, and time has healed the wounds, it was a moment that will forever be with me. In bed, asleep, but tormented by grief and thoughts. Unable to think. To pray. To breathe, it seemed.
We were on our quest to have a baby. And I was newly pregnant. Or rather, I had been newly pregnant. And now, suddenly, I wasn’t. I was cried out, talked out, prayed out, and worn out. I remember praying without words, but rather with feelings. In my sleep, where the dreams expressed my heart, I could just be.
And I saw with new eyes. I saw Him. The one that had breathed life into creation, the one that had formed this tiny person who’s heartbeat of life was now gone. I saw where I was. And really, it’s something that can’t sufficiently be put into words. I was with Him, and so was the daughter I had.
And so began the healing process and the next nearly a decade of waiting. We decided against any more fertility treatments. There’s more to the story, but there would be 2 more losses and a clear nudging from the Holy Spirit that said to wait. We decided to adopt “someday” but were led into the wilderness of waiting.
The decade of my 20’s sped by quickly. I worked full time in a medical office and helped with the youth at church. Every so often, I would explore adoption, but the “wait” was still spoken to my heart. Difficult as it was, it was a season of trust. I didn’t know if we would ever have children and we started to think about life without the possibility. Somehow, though, just as clearly as I had heard the “wait”, I knew that I would be a parent in my 30’s. And so the decade trucked on.
We were out to dinner one night when it happened. And by it, I mean it was as if the skies opened, angels sang, and God once again spoke to my heart.
Now. Go. Go now. This is the time.
Before our dinner was over, the plan was set in place. We were scared out of our minds. It was daunting. Overwhelming.
50 weeks later, I somberly watched the Ethiopian ground below me disappear with my new son. The next year of adjustment would be a difficult one for all of us. And as we attached, it became clear to me. The waiting wasn’t for a baby, any baby. It was for him.
Postscript
Now I am a crazy busy first year homeschooling mom to two little boys that are 5 and 3, loving this slightly crazy season of raising little boys!
**Thanks, Jenny, for this amazing post! Everyone’s welcome to follow Jenny on twitter at @mommie_Jen. – Matt**
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