Thinking Out Loud: Russian Adoption Edition
I (as I’m sure all adoptive parents) have been asked on many occasions what I think about the story about Torry Hansen’s decision to return her son to Russia. Over the past week, I have sat down at this laptop to hammer out a post sharing my feelings. In my efforts, I’ve come to the decision to return to the mind-dump format and am resurrecting Thinking Out Loud for this topic.
- Adoption is hard. It’s easy to talk about the joys of becoming a forever family to a beautiful child. Shoot, we even make videos about it and share it on youtube. But the blending of families is tough. If any person or adoption agency tries telling you differently, they either haven’t adopted or they’re lying. Adoption is hard work. You have to know going in that it’s not all lollipops and fairy tales.
- When a birth parent hands over a child to a stranger, it’s called abandonment. I don’t care if what she did was legal or not. Torry Hanson abandoned this child.
- During our pre-adoption seminars, we were warned that Hollywood isn’t exactly understanding when it comes to adoption. We were told to be cautious when watching movies with our kids. You never know what might trigger something. For instance, crooks pretending to be Little Orphan Annie’s parents and then taking her away from the home sheloves. We were told that Mihret (or Aiden or Alyson) could someday watch that and wonder if people would eventually take her away from us. I was prepared to have Hollywood spark this question. I was not prepared to have these questions raised because of the actions of an adoptive parent.
- Something has to be missing from this story. Did she seek psychological help for this child? It certainly sounds like she didn’t exhaust all the resources that are available. I don’t get how you could just put a child on a plane and say “Here’s a note. Good luck, kid.” I know there are other cases where adopting parents have tried to back out. I just don’t get it.
- Fortunately, Aiden & Alyson hadn’t already heard about this story. I did give them a few details about it, in case they heard about it at school or on the news. Then I looked them in the eyes and said, “That will never, ever happen with us. Mihret is part of our family and she’s not going anywhere. Ever.” Both of them looked at me like I was crazy for even feeling like I had to say such a thing. It was comforting to see that they also understand that Mihret is here to stay.
- I would have said the same thing to Miheret, but she’s not even three yet. I know we’ll have to have that conversation one day, though.
- I don’t think I have to say it, but I’m gonna anyway. I’m outraged by what happened.
- I know there’s more. But that’s all I can type out today. This post took me over three hours to write because I kept getting too angry (and I’ve been interrupted by a wailing toddler-aged daughter who insists on typing on the computer).
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Howdy. I'm Matt. My wife, Christy, and I have four kids and two dogs, I'm passionate about orphan care. I'm a die-hard fan of the Evansville Aces, the Indiana Hoosiers, and Star Wars. I'm trying to live life by the Todd family motto: "It behooves us to live!"
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Funny you should mention the whole Hollywood angle. They’ve done more than their part to show adopted children as a “trendy accessory”, especially foreign adoption. It glamorizes the idea for some people, and they fantasize about being Angelina Jolie instead of realistically thinking about all of the complete dedication that these babies deserve. The whole thing is very sad.
Yes, the foreign adoption trend in Hollywood is disturbing – especially after the Material Girl’s fiasco.
I’m not sure I’d put Brangelina in the same category, though. While we were in Addis, our driver told us about some of the amazing things the couple is doing in Ethiopia, like building a hospital. He knows because he was their driver the week before we were there. He even showed us a picture of him with them. 🙂 I was dumbfounded because I’d just assumed they were like all the other folks in Tinseltown.
They may have started the trend, but they’re also giving back to the culture and the community.
My friend, Matt,
Of course, you knew I would read this. I’ve always had a lot of respect for you. This particular news story has been very difficult for me on many levels. I just wanted you to know that you have touched my heart deeply with your honesty and genuineness. I remember several times as a young girl leaving notes on my adopted mother’s pillow thanking her for adopting me as a newborn. I was more to the point that if you hadn’t nobody would have. Finally feeling safe enough now to share my true feelings with a counselor, I am starting to understand myself better. I was afraid she was going to abandon me, which ultimately turned out to be the case.
As I was reading your post, I thought to myself, that’s truly the reassurance I longed for and needed to hear while growing up. Especially after my adoptive parent’s divorced and I never saw him again, I’ve wondered, “How is this little Russian boy expected to process the losses, if the adoptive mother is treating him as if he is a “throw away” child?”
I am hoping adoptive parents will take the time to talk to their children as well.
I’m so sorry you felt like that JoAnne! No child should have to spend their lives growing up, wondering if that’s the day they’re going to be relinquished.
Of course, that fear could always be there, but we as parents (both biological and adoptive) need to continually reassure and remind our children that they are, in fact, loved!